I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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