i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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