The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to align my fucking chakras
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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