chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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