the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
