I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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