if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my sisters under your porch take her home
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have feelings that need drinking.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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