How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
