Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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