never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
