So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
