Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
