I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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