I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
His nipple licking is glorious
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