The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
