I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
