dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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