Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize