So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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