There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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