And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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