new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
