i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
