take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
