Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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