She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
