even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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