Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
