My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
