so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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