Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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