My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
