Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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