i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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