Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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