omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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