i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
