Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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