Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
