What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
