I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
