Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize