I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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