He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
