y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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