Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
