This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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