He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
