I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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