Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
