when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This baby is an asshole
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
