i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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