Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
