You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
