Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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