So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
