Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
