I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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