my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
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he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
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Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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