opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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